Whether I like it or not, I am always finding myself in this liminal space. Writing helps me to explore this space and reflect on how I move through it.
At the start of 2019, I decided to take a deeper dive into my healing process. This involved looking at my childhood/youth/young adult trauma directly in the the face and bringing it back up to the surface from the deep and very dark areas where it sits within my body, heart and mind. Like I am opening the door to this dark space where my scared and hurt little girl, teen and young woman live. I am shedding warm bright light, taking their hands, and hugging each of them up, holding them tight so that they never ever have to feel alone and neglected again. BUT, every now and then they run back into that dark room of safety and comfort and shut the door real tight. They lash out with anger because I risked their vulnerability and I spiral into guilt, sadness, sorrow, and grief. It’s a tough world out there and at any given moment these three very sensitive and innocent parts of me are tested and triggered. When I feel disregarded, unheard, misunderstood, and silenced in any way, these parts of me run back into the dark room. The difference now, at this phase of my life, is that It does get easier and easier to stand in my power as I do the work to deeply heal them. I don’t always enter into fear, hurt, anger, and essentially what is my fight/flight/freeze reflex. I am able to catch myself and use some calming tools to recenter and shift in those crucial moments that I have a choice. I find myself teetering on the line between
the old ways of allowing trauma and pain to sit in my body and heart, where anger, grief and fear manifest in the ways that I parent, work and relate
the new ways of facing the trauma, processing, healing, and releasing it
I have been healing and creating space for new ways to be, I am discovering myself and who I am on the other side of trauma and adversity. It’s an amazing place to be in!!
Another interesting way that liminality is showing up in my life is in my healing around inter-generational trauma. Trauma that has existed within my DNA for generations. I feel this immense responsibility and honour to heal many women that have come before me. I feel a very strong presence of my ancestors and at the end of my very first therapy session at the start of the year, my therapist said that she say an older woman in a sari lay down flower petals on the ground as I walked. I feel this surge of power like I am being supported and guided in ways that I am aware and conscious of now. I am listening and paying attention! I am becoming more and more aware of how I parent and where compassion and forgiveness are needed with my children. Gentle, loving, vulnerability, and support call for a deep presence with them. I know that I am breaking cycles and in turn healing generations of pain and trauma. I have never felt more light and free from this release and I am so grateful for this gift!
As I move through my healing journey I am also embarking on menopause and my daughter is entering into puberty. There are beautiful days and there are days that we are all struggling to not step on a mine. We are both going through a rites of passage. I am in this space of holding my daughter as she becomes a young woman and letting go of a part of my womanhood that I has been a part of me since I went through puberty. Entering into eldership has been amazing and it also carries with it elements of grief. This space of transition and change for both my daughter and I, can be such a beautiful time of discovery and self-actualization as long as we can see it through the hormonal fluctuations, mental health, and physical changes in our body. Again another balancing act!
I find that writing about it and talking about it with others really helps. I know that I am not alone in any of it. So many of us experience liminality in some way or another and it can feel very precarious, but to share and exchange experiences, get support, use the tools that we have and move through it, makes us stronger and more understanding of each other.
HERSpace is a space for us women to do just this. A safe and sacred space to connect and discover our power through art, movement, and spirituality within these spaces of transition, change and adversity.
Look out for the launch in the Fall 2019!